1. Need reading glasses.
2. Don't own reading glasses.
3. The ingredient label on squeezable frosting is so miniscule no human over forty can read it except for the part that says, "may contain eggs and soy" in bold at the end.
4. Nothing readable under supermarket fluorescent lighting says "wheat".
5. A person can't frost a cake without licking said frosting off fingers.
6. After licking frosting off fingers and feeling the rush of chemical flavors, the list of ingredients suddenly grows larger and the word "wheat" appears right between "soylicol stearalate" and "high maltose cocinate" (this is from memory and is not correct).
Conclusion: I poisoned myself because I'm too old to read tiny writing and too stubborn to buy reading glasses.